a new season of firsts

there are moments that are hard.
really hard.
where it feels as if a ton weight sits upon my heart.
and try as i may to tear it off, it sits motionless.
there are whole days that are beyond tough. and then sometimes weeks.

i find now as we enter a whole new season, i'm feeling a larger sense of loss once more.
everything is bright and new again.
everyone is coming out of the dark, cold winter.
but my life. is missing the biggest piece i've ever known.

i don't have that special someone to deliver those daffodils to
.. . whose face will light up when she sees the bunch wrapped around in twine.
or someone to sit on the back porch with beside the overgrown forsythia bushes.

all of the annual events seem somewhat .. . tainted with sadness.
and the "firsts without my mom" are painful.
i know she wouldn't want it that way. ever. if even for a single moment.
and i try my hardest to avoid this grey overcast look upon life.

i'm blessed to have my family and within each of them, i believe, she still resides.
when we're all together. it's strange, but her presence is so much stronger.
my sister explained it best. we all have a piece of her and when we're together, the pieces feel so much more like a whole.

it's better that way. and it makes these "firsts" and the ones to come a bit easier.