five little monkeys and My Mom

i keep hitting repeat.
over.
and over
And Over.

i can't help but smile.

four years later

i wasn't even looking
but you were there.
.peering out at me
two wheels hanging over the edge of the matchcar stand in the middle of the CVS check.out line.

the pink cadillac.
Could you have been more obvious today?
you talked about that car so much.

your face isn't clear in my mind four years later.
that makes me sad.
my heart. hurts.

but it wasn't your face that made me feel so loved.
it was all the other parts.

the ones unseen.

when i try real hard and even in moments when i don't, you sneak up on me
.your presence right beside me.

even four years later.

she grit her teeth and loved me

My favorite holiday since my mother's passing is Easter. 

The words to the hymns make me cry big fat happy tears. 

Can't stop them. Don't want to. 

This year I was on a Delta plane  - gosh knows how high up in the sky -  as my family was at church. .. and I missed out on the celebration of Jesus's resurrection and my mom's everlasting life. She now sings in tune in the most angelic voice and not off key into her daughters' ears during church services where we would quietly giggle. 

We couldn't help it. 

No matter what age we were. 

Little girls or up until when this last photo was shot. 

This picture is from my mom's last Easter and man alive, does it make me so beyond happy. 

Smiling ear to ear. 

I can hear her when i look at it and she almost jumps off of the computer, hugging on me. 

the type of hug where she would always grit her teeth, almost to the point of breaking. 

I could hear her as she was loving me.

She couldn't contain it.

I'm basking in this photograph this spring.time. 

If I shut my eyes, I'm there. 

She's still here. in so many places. 

Four years later. 

 

the u.turn

time doesn't make it easier. 
the pain that is in my heart is still as raw and physically real in the deepest moments of heartache as two years ago. 

i tried to go to my mom's grave today. 
i ended up having to do a u.turn in the middle of the street after a serious. meltdown. 
i know she's not at the gravesite.

i don't know what made me feel like i had to go.. . the fact that it has been two years. 
Two years since i have seen her. 
Touched her. Held her. 
Talked to her.

I know she would say I'm not there - I'm with Jesus. Don't make yourself upset. 

Time doesn't make it easier. 
My heart still aches. 
i know where she is. 
but i want to be next to her.

from today

we will open our eyes Wider

today was one of those days when i came home and had the strongest urge to pick up the phone
and call my mom. ..

just to have a simple, every day check in. how are you.
i love you. i need you. i wanna hear your voice phone call.

lets just say_i had to keep moving when my brain once again realized i couldn't do that.
it is like that still to this day.

of course, when i opened up You.Tube today this appeared.
gave me .goosebumps when i heard the .lyrics.

dear mom.

i know you already know
but.
i miss you .SO .much.


i know how happy you are right now.
and i know how much pain you were in here.
but when i think about where you are this very second, my heart hurts a little less.




i love you.
i love you.
i LOVE you.
xoxo
xo




Music Playlist at MixPod.com

making room for change

the word CHANGE has been rolling around in my head lately.

i can't figure it out.

I am a stubborn girl. 

anyone who knows me. 

will tell you that. 

i won't hide it_ there's no trying to. 

so change IS tough.

i'm used to accepting bad changes that arise. 

wait.. . maybe not USED to them. .

more like recognizing how life is at any point ready to punch you in the gut with them

.. .[ bad to think like that, huh?] 

also a fan of the good - simple changes. 

a fresh new hair cut

finding a new recipe

meeting a new girlfriend you can talk to 

all the good changes seem so silly in comparison to the bad, when you type them out.

this past week, i snuck in to talk to my boss and tossed out an idea that may throw some more changes my way. 

potentially a big change, who knows? 

not sure i'm ready for it. 

maybe i'm just adding additional stress to my life. 

point is,
with change.. . if we never really know what our future holds and only know Whose hands our life is held in, then the "difficult" change shouldn't be so overwhelming right? 

.. so "knock the breath" right outta you.. .?

Source: artofecstasy.tumblr.com via Kimberly on Pinterest

RIGHT?
doesn't that seem to make sense?

it all just still spins around.. . and continues.

seems the word, CHANGE, is a stubborn one as well. 

memories waiting to be remembered

i had a very vivid memory of my mother a few days ago.
one i would of never recalled in conversation.

it simply had to be.

i was sitting on the edge of my bed brushing my hair and instead of yanking it all from the bottom
_ i held it at the edge of my head and brushed to the ends gently.

The knots all came smoothly out without a pain.

It was the strangest feeling.
I had in .THAT .very .moment become my mother in the simplest, silliest way.
i didn't even realize what i had done. ..twenty years later, the last time she brushed my hair like that.

I remember the days when she used to do that regularly.
I used to moan and groan_ and she used to tell my sister
and I the silly things her mother would say when she brushed her hair as a little girl.
"I'll show you what really hurts!"
We couldn't believe how our grandmother would tease her
.. . and we were jealous we never had the opportunity to ever meet her.

i'm a lucky girl to have such special memories of my mom. but it makes me So. sad to know that my future children are never going to know their grandmother. maybe one day, i'll be able to show them how she taught me how to brush my hair just so right.

one year

.the back of my mom's memorial card reads one of her favorite verses.
these words being some of the hardest to truly understand this past year.


And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8.28

Upon. Jesus

my mom loved this song.
it came to mean a lot to me in the past few years.
the lyrics so simple.
so .powerful.

more .. . and more

a list i .love

1. i used to know how to knit.
    My mom always started my projects off.
She attempted to teach me to "cast" on .. . off {?}
 

     but it never sunk in.

    i never thought there would be a day when i would really need to know myself .. . .

 
i need to start knitting again.

      i need to start knitting again.

         i need to start knitting again.

2.  ladylee in process  --- -  search label  "Living Pinterest"

. ... such an out of the box concept. 

i Love it!  

I've spent a .Bit of time at this site recently

and definitely will be sharing in her "Living Pinterest" idea. 

 

3.   this blog turning pages .. .  

for some reason.. . this series of August posts seem to be my favorites

I've had this window open for some time now. and gone back to it several times.  click HERE.

4. One of my Pinterest .boards is filling up quickly. 

with this .Ring. .. . 

Like i've mentioned in a recent post, i've become addicted to pinning. 

I have found so many pins on Laura Helm's  'this is happening'  Board.

5.  This recipe for kale salad.. . can't recall where i found it. But i've been dying to try it. 

Share in the Love! 

Raw Tuscan Kale Salad Recipe

 6. Francesca's Collections 

     .affordable. Anthro clothing and accessories

7. FOUND: Vintage Rentals

Someone was thinking. 

LOVE. love ... . loVe this idea! 

"found is a event decor and prop resource supplying brides, event planners, designers and photographers with unique vintage items to give their weddings, photo shoots and events style and originality. We rent one of a kind pieces of furniture and accessories for whatever your needs may be. .."

You Must visit. .. One of a kind. 

8. this one is self.explanatory: oh Yum! 

click HERE to devour goodness

.loving this recipe for strawberry milk macarons with cookie dough buttercream 

Fantasically creative!

dad, me and mom's stone harbor

the power of His name

when i was first diagnosed with epilepsy i had a battery of tests done.
i remember being dragged into different rooms in the wee hours of the night.
nurses and doctors coming in and out, explaining one procedure after the next.
one i will never forget though, was the spinal tap.

for some reason, the doctor had tried once or twice and it hadn't worked.
it may have even been a "doctor in training".
by that time, my mom had just about had enough.
actually she went into 'flip out' mode.
and if you knew my mom and doctors, you knew the best place to get was as far away as possible.
she went out into the hallway and demanded that the best "spinal tap" guy get in the room immediately.
within a minute that, in fact, happened.
they knew she meant business.
he was the sweetest man. i will never forget his face. as much as i forget of those weeks and those days.

the procedure started, but by this time, as you can imagine, i was in quite a frazzled state.
my mom was with me, holding my hand, calling to me.. as close as possible..
for some reason, the doctor couldn't get what he wanted to and i began to panic..
and i began to call out aloud, as my mom taught me ...  
His name, "Jesus. Jesus! Jesus! !!"

Just repeating and repeating His name
and with that a peace came over me,
the doctor finally got whatever he needed.
and the testing was done for the night.

The reason for the story today_
this afternoon I had a thyroid biopsy,
quite similar to the spinal tap actually,
but straight in the neck.
.three needles.
good stuff.

This experience came rushing back to me as i laid there on the table.
I was a mess of tears and laughter.
The doctor thought i was a lunatic.
most likely.
I have been listening to Stronger [from the previous post] recently.
the lyrics repeating in my head.

You are Stronger. 
You are Stronger.. .
You have saved me. 

and I couldn't stop thinking about how my mom is standing with Him. now.
which makes me overflow with joy .. .
but the fact that she wasn't "with me, holding my hand, calling to me.. as close as possible.. .."
well that's beyond. tough.

no more words. right now.

this was today. hard.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

a new season of firsts

there are moments that are hard.
really hard.
where it feels as if a ton weight sits upon my heart.
and try as i may to tear it off, it sits motionless.
there are whole days that are beyond tough. and then sometimes weeks.

i find now as we enter a whole new season, i'm feeling a larger sense of loss once more.
everything is bright and new again.
everyone is coming out of the dark, cold winter.
but my life. is missing the biggest piece i've ever known.

i don't have that special someone to deliver those daffodils to
.. . whose face will light up when she sees the bunch wrapped around in twine.
or someone to sit on the back porch with beside the overgrown forsythia bushes.

all of the annual events seem somewhat .. . tainted with sadness.
and the "firsts without my mom" are painful.
i know she wouldn't want it that way. ever. if even for a single moment.
and i try my hardest to avoid this grey overcast look upon life.

i'm blessed to have my family and within each of them, i believe, she still resides.
when we're all together. it's strange, but her presence is so much stronger.
my sister explained it best. we all have a piece of her and when we're together, the pieces feel so much more like a whole.

it's better that way. and it makes these "firsts" and the ones to come a bit easier.

warm washcloths and a puddle of tears

when i was a little girl, my mom used to bring warm washcloths to my bed to wash my face.

she was the one who i could call at any hour of any day.. . with happy news, or sad. 

the person who reassured me that no matter what everything would be ok. 

that she loved me more than i could imagine. 

that she was behind me in everything and never ever would leave.

it's beyond sad how things have ended. 

sitting here in a puddle of my sad tears, i have to remind myself of her words and her love. 

she is no longer here,
but those will remain with me. forever. 

naps suck. period.

just woke up from a much needed nap and seriously thought my mom was still here.
it was a least a minute before my brain fully processed, i couldn't simply call her.
let's just say the events that followed were not positive ones.
in the least.
melt.down status.

i'm ready for this bad dream to be over.
i'm done with it.

i miss her voice.
her laugh.




her love.
her hugs.
everything is empty without her.