the mirror

this past summer was one of the hardest summers i've had to endure.

.for many reasons

one of them being my job

there were some mornings i woke up to find my fists clenched.

unsure if i had slept that way.

i had horribly sad dreams at least once a week.

and counted down the days until i could be back home at my school in September.

i see my dad every Sunday like clockwork.

we go out to lunch.

he would ask what was going on with everything.

and i would tell him.

as always he would give me advice

and then follow up with

Do you think there is something you are getting out of this job experience?

and i would respond with all sincerity
No. 
Every time.

I could not see it.

With everything that has happened in my life .. . and I've had my share.

with all of it.

I can usually reflect after some time and find purpose, meaning in it.

I've always been able to find the silver in the dark thunderclouds.

i think that is my mom's doing.

but THIS time. 

i really could not.

about two weeks before camp ended,

i started listening to CrossPoint services online.

one of my favorite pastors - out of Tennessee. 

I've followed him for years now.

I started making my way through all the series on YouTube.

That became my favorite part of the day.

the drive to work - the drive home

This sermon in particular I must have listened to five or six times.

A lot from this series speaks of Jesus and his disciples. 

So I started to read over Matthew, Mark, Mark, Luke again. 

After Jesus has fed five thousand, walked on water. ..

the disciples are still asking to have things explained to them.

You still don't trust me after all you've seen me do?

"ARE YOU STILL SO DULL?"

Matthew 15:16

It's comical to imagine Jesus saying that to someone. 

even as I read that I chuckled a bit.

But a giant mirror appeared before me.

Why don't I still get it? 

.. after everything He's led me through.
Why am I still doubting that He has it all worked out?

 Why am I still so dull? 

This was another repeat all summer. 

There's so much that she says that hits home. 

He was just very kind in saying, 

"Hey, I've done some bigger things than this before."

It's September now and camp is long over. 

Other problems that plagued me are gone and new ones I'm sure are on the horizon. 

But now I can say without a doubt that there was a reason for the job experience.

Don't think it had anything to do with teaching experience or art techniques. 

I needed to see my reflection. 

the First Chapter of 2015

[via: At The Picket Fence]

Erasing Life's Wrinkles

i can't tell you how many times i've read this book.
tonight's passage slapped me across the face. 
her books often do that. good pain. 

Cold Tangerines
Shauna Niequist
233.234

"For me, what God said when he made the world is a prayer: 
It is good. 

This world, it is good. 
The beauty of a perfect green apple is good. 
The first steps of a child are good. .. 
I have to remind myself that it is good. 
I have to create hope in my life, because there's something inside me that has radar for the bad parts of life. 
I walk into the kitchen and all I can see are crumbs on the counter, and I look in the mirror 
and don't even see my face, i just see all the potential wrinkles forming. 
I have a dark, worst-case scenario sensor, and it takes over. 
It's all true. 
There are crumbs on the counter. 
I am definitely getting wrinkles. 

I just don't want to live in only that reality. 
Because there is another reality. A better one. Hope and redemption and change are real, 
and they're happening all around me. 
So I choose to act out of that reality, because the other one makes life too hard, day after day. Life is painful, and we carry with us so much disappointment and heartbreak. 
But I'm fighting to save some space inside me where I can create hope. 
I can't live there in disappointment anymore. 
I've missed whole seasons of my life. I look back and all i remember is pain. ..

It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. 
It's much easier and much more common to be miserable. But I choose to do what I can do to create hope, to celebrate life, and the act of celebrating connects me back to that life I love."

the Line leader

Today, an epiphany occurred in this brain of mine.

I was dealing with adult stupidity, for which i've lost all patience. 

My patience is almost endless when it comes to the kids.. . almost.

So when it comes time to deal with adults, i expect somewhat mature 
- wait, not mature [that'd be boring] - cross that .. .

responsible behavior. 

but someone who decides they are going to give me a hard time about the safety in my home. 

nope. 

wrath delivered. 

.back to this grand epiphany. 

my second graders and i we were on our way to gym. 

i sent them to the corner in the hallway, where they wait for us all to line up. 

The stragglers finally joined the line. stumbling out of the classroom with the aide at their side.  

and i started off down the hall, my mind racing.

here's what i'm going to do. 

here's what i'm going to say. 

the kids followed along dutifully, several falling out of place as if blown by the wind. 
  

But the first young lady in line.. . I could feel her presence beside me. 

I could see she had her shoulders back, her head held high. 
She was proud to be first.
In that moment, she was untouchable. 

Now remember - I'm still enraged about the above situation. 

The ridiculous adult with whom i've been overly patient.
Who i've asked to help keep my home safe and he has waved me aside like a bystander in my own life. 

What would I want this young girl to do?
What message would I want to be sending her? 

What would my advice be -  if she was in my place?

What role model will i choose to be in this situation? 

So when i dropped them off, I immediately came back to my room and sent off several texts relating my expectations. 

Shoulders rolled back, head held high. 

Don't mess with me. .. 

My second graders got my back. 

today's repeat. 

.my camera roll lately.

i'm embracing the holidays like i've been told by this lovely amazing woman.

pomegranate in piles. back at the grocery story. 

i've missed you. 

at target - found this cheesy, fake tree on sale. 

only $20. how can you resist? 

once it's covered in ornaments. 

i'm golden. 

my next project. found on instagram. 

who's going to help? 

https://twitter.com/2GsClass

constant change

This weekend i saw these girls 

My college girlfriends 

Hearts. connected

According to one of them, we look the same. 

haven't changed at all. i'm thinking. No. 

Pictured above - these are baby faces.

Two husbands, seven babies later [none of those mine] we look more.. . more mature.

Nothing stays the same. Certainly not the way we look. 

It's just the way it goes. year to year, month to month, day to day. 

change. 

as i looked through the albums, i couldn't help but notice so many different things 

that i've been reflecting upon. 

We had such a fun time those four years. .. 

and not the drunk, falling all over each other, skipping classes type. 

It was silly pranks, chalking, embarrassing each other, dressing up in department stores. 

All ridiculous. 

.fantastically ridiculous.

In almost all the pictures, we were laughing or trying to be ever so serious 

- as a joke of course. 

Not a care in the world. 

Things are indeed different 

but i still saw the same girl i am now in the photos. 

yes - the 36 year old girl. 

and that makes my heart itchy and fuzzy inside. 

i may have dark and gloomy days but that silliness, that happiness - it glows.

i can feel it on good days and on bad days it tries its hardest to burst through.

i'm blessed that i have people in my life that bring that on and make it shine brighter. 

things do change, people get older and move far away. 

but there are some things that remain constant. 

and for that i am lucky. 

my current repeat.. 

.You are CONSTANT.

not my will but .Yours be done

hebrews 11:39 - 12:3 

These were all commended for their faith, 

yet none of them received what had been promised, 

since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us 

would they be made perfect. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, 

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. 

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and the perfecter of faith. 

For the joy set before him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Joyful about 2014.2015

My year is just about to start.. . and I am excited ... happy for so many reasons. 

September marks the beginning of 2014-2015. 
A brand new year that I have placed in God's hands. 
This year's class is going to keep me on my toes and I am looking forward to it.

Some more daily blessings. 

1. Falling leaves. 
Some on my lawn actually CHANGING COLOR already. 
The true mark of the season soon arriving.

2. More Bethel Music - This is what You Do. 

and 3. Rend Collective - Joy

chris tomlin makes me cry

the next two weeks are going to eat me alive.. .

.i can feel it coming already

going to need some hard.core prayer. 
certainly not going to be able to do it alone.


i've posted this before
and listened to it twenty .. thirty.. . maybe forty times counting the views on my phone.
every single time, it makes me cry. 
something in chris tomlin's account of the writing of the song and the 2 Kings passage. 
it all just turns me to a weepy, can't catch my breath. mess. 

maybe this week is not the best to listen to this one. 

.what i'm YouTubing now :one

Let me be singing when the evening comes

i can't even chose a couple of lyrics to highlight as my favorite.
for different reasons, every few lines hit my heart.
in the best way.
very. best.

Rend Collective has created a breath.taking version of this song. 
What a blessing.





lyrics.

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

i see .You

a while ago, i watched a strange
.. . albeit memorable and unique ben affleck movie .To The Wonder
one line hung on my heart since watching it. 

i've always believed it to be true.

even on the worst days, there will always be one, sometimes barely visible- but always there.

one message reminding me that these _ our pains, our sadnesses, whatever frustrations _ are temporary.

Our hope is in Him.

without a shadow of a doubt I believe that "we were made to see [Him]." [4:55]

while at my sister's church this weekend, we worshipped with a rend collective experiment song i posted somewhere a bit ago. 

i've listened to it probably twenty times since i have returned home yesterday. 

ironic, how in these two, almost polar opposite art forms. .. 

He is ever so clearly reflected.

.Build Your Kingdom Here
lyrics

Come set your rule and reign

In our hearts again

Increase in us we pray

Unveil why we're made

Come set our hearts ablaze with hope

Like wildfire in our very souls

Holy Spirit come invade us now

We are Your Church

We need Your power

In us

We seek Your kingdom first

We hunger and we thirst

Refuse to waste our lives

For You're our joy and prize

To see the captive hearts released

The hurt; the sick; the poor at peace

We lay down our lives for Heaven's cause

We are Your church

We pray revive

This Earth

Build Your kingdom here

Let the darkness fear

Show Your mighty hand

Heal our streets and land

Set Your church on fire

Win this nation back

Change the atmosphere

Build Your kingdom here

We pray

Unleash Your kingdom's power

Reaching the near and far

No force of hell can stop

Your beauty changing hearts

You made us for much more than this

Awake the kingdom seed in us

Fill us with the strength and love of Christ

We are Your church

We are the hope

On Earth

.powerful silence

it's gonna be wild

 
Come away with Me, Come away with Me
It's never too late, it's not too late
It's not too late for you

I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you
It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of Me

Open up your heart and let Me in

still my song will sing Your praise unending

I have so much to write about.

So many things to share about the start of school.

So i'll start slow.

.with just one song.

be on the look out for new posts coming soon.

This song has been on repeat in my car.

i start the day off with it.

and end with it on my ride home.

.The LYRICS. help to direct me where i should be .focused.

i could listen to it for several more weeks.  

morning and evening 

shout.forth

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

four simple plus.es

i am trying my hardest to look forward to the .spring. 

many challenging things are headed my way. 

many things i did not see coming as i looked into the future.

it seems that's how it always is, right? 

never as planned. 

so i'm choosing to think about some simple positives to get me through 

one day at time. 

cause that's all i can ask for. 

.simple beauty of the spring flowers. 

choosing some flowers and plants for the stoop

check out the Photobotanicus series by photographer Barry Rosenthal 

i originally found this through the online Anthology Magazine. 

Beautiful work to get you excited about what will be appearing in the next few weeks. 

_a new bike_ 

Will be needing this to get around  

I'm loving these vintage.y. ones.

with a basket, of course?! 

.the discovery of Hillsong NYC. 
{which is a few years old now}

considering I live directly across from the train station
this is super.Grand

{twitter}

visiting the LIBRARY on a regular basis
{check out these coasters from HouseofSixCats}
created by Kate @Chicalookate

Source: etsy.com via Kimberly on Pinterest

Upon. Jesus

my mom loved this song.
it came to mean a lot to me in the past few years.
the lyrics so simple.
so .powerful.

too .true.

mom's email chain

Can't even begin to explain or sort through my thoughts and emotions of the last two weeks with the passing of my mom.  Even as I type that I want to go back and hit BACK SPACE... DELETE>>>... .


I found this email today that she received about a week before her last days [-and then responded back to her friend]... . it made me smile. I know she certainly is smiling now. and endlessly praising .. as hard as it is for all of us stuck here without her. 




I'm leaving it in original form... so go ahead and scroll.


From: llanastasio@--------------
To: jeostrong@------------
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 2010 15:44:15 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: Re: Fwd: Beautiful explanation of death

Thanks for sending me this. I love you 
----- Original Message -----
From: jeostrong@---------------
Date: Sunday, November 14, 2010 10:40 am
Subject: Fwd: Beautiful explanation of death

> ~DEATH~
> WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT .. 
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> A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to
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> Leave the examination room and said,
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> 'Doctor, I am afraid to die.
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> Tell me what lies on the other side.'
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> Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'
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> 'You don't know? You're, a Christian man,
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> and don't know what's on the other side?'
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> The doctor was holding the handle of the door;
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> On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,
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> And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room
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> And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
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> Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
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> 'Did you notice my dog?
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> He's never been in this room before.
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> He didn't know what was inside.
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> He knew nothing except that his master was here,
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> And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
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> I know little of what is on the other side of death,
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> But I do know one thing...
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> I know my Master is there and that is enough.'
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> May today there be peace within you.
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> May you trust God that you are exactly
> Where you are meant to be.
> I believe that friends are quiet angels
> Who lift us to our feet when our wings 
> Have trouble remembering how to fly.
>
>