the mirror

this past summer was one of the hardest summers i've had to endure.

.for many reasons

one of them being my job

there were some mornings i woke up to find my fists clenched.

unsure if i had slept that way.

i had horribly sad dreams at least once a week.

and counted down the days until i could be back home at my school in September.

i see my dad every Sunday like clockwork.

we go out to lunch.

he would ask what was going on with everything.

and i would tell him.

as always he would give me advice

and then follow up with

Do you think there is something you are getting out of this job experience?

and i would respond with all sincerity
No. 
Every time.

I could not see it.

With everything that has happened in my life .. . and I've had my share.

with all of it.

I can usually reflect after some time and find purpose, meaning in it.

I've always been able to find the silver in the dark thunderclouds.

i think that is my mom's doing.

but THIS time. 

i really could not.

about two weeks before camp ended,

i started listening to CrossPoint services online.

one of my favorite pastors - out of Tennessee. 

I've followed him for years now.

I started making my way through all the series on YouTube.

That became my favorite part of the day.

the drive to work - the drive home

This sermon in particular I must have listened to five or six times.

A lot from this series speaks of Jesus and his disciples. 

So I started to read over Matthew, Mark, Mark, Luke again. 

After Jesus has fed five thousand, walked on water. ..

the disciples are still asking to have things explained to them.

You still don't trust me after all you've seen me do?

"ARE YOU STILL SO DULL?"

Matthew 15:16

It's comical to imagine Jesus saying that to someone. 

even as I read that I chuckled a bit.

But a giant mirror appeared before me.

Why don't I still get it? 

.. after everything He's led me through.
Why am I still doubting that He has it all worked out?

 Why am I still so dull? 

This was another repeat all summer. 

There's so much that she says that hits home. 

He was just very kind in saying, 

"Hey, I've done some bigger things than this before."

It's September now and camp is long over. 

Other problems that plagued me are gone and new ones I'm sure are on the horizon. 

But now I can say without a doubt that there was a reason for the job experience.

Don't think it had anything to do with teaching experience or art techniques. 

I needed to see my reflection. 

what we all expect.. .

i'm sure this will resonate with many of you. even as a 32 year old single gal, 

i can appreciate this. .. i've heard Pete's "expectations" echoed by several men 

in relationships. they seem to be common marriage expectation threads.

there is nothing that i appreciate more than when people are real. and don't put on a facade about who they truly are.. .

'what you see is what you get'. love how this video captures their honest emotions about their relationship.

5 Things_Expectations from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

You can find more at Cross Point Church or Pete Wilson's blog Without Wax.

5Things//Week1Mashup from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

Pete Wilson Post.its

my computer screen is covered in tiny "stickies".
Apple can't officially call the tech version 'Post.its', but that's what they are... and they are post.ited 
all over my screen.

i have websites to remember to return to... not yet favorited. 
to do lists.
phone numbers
blog ideas swirling about.
and most frequently quotes that i've collected. 


this one in particular i have been re.reading.
and re.reading.
and.. .. 
by pastor, author, blogger 
and so it seems, the more I read of him.. .all around fun guy. Pete Wilson.

However, the one answer that does speak into every painful, difficult, relentless situation that we as individuals could ever face is this: 

God will never change. 

This is why our faith must rest on His identity and not necessarily His activity. 

     p. wilson

@ withoutwax.tv

what would you do if.?

several times this past couple of weeks, i have heard or read this message _ what would you attempt, if you knew that you could not fail? stumbled upon through a clothing site.. . 


or as Pete Wilson said in one of his sermons, "WHAT would you do IN your life - in your marriage, in your finances_  IF YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT that GOD WAS PRESENT?" 

some days this is much easier than others. 
some days it feels as if everyone's life is moving on around me, and i am sitting on that dirty old bench by the bus stop. 

some days. 


my life, i live on a moment by moment basis. 
but recently, i've been feeling as if i'm on the precipice of something. 
i don't know what. 
in fact, i have not a clue.
i've been trying my best [... my best, often times not being good enough] to lay it in His hands. Just asking that when the time comes, that i somehow Know.
that i feel it.
whatever it may be.
'That this is the road He wants me to take. Whether it be a job, a new place, a relationship.'

Today, during a staff meeting, something was announced. And it was in that moment, in my heart, that I felt that tug. that tug on my heart that I knew was from Him.
I don't know what is going to happen.
I don't know what it all means.
I'm looking into all the details of this news.

But the questions remains still, and echoes at least in my mind _ What would you do in your life? .. . if you knew you couldn't fail? .. if you were absolutely confident that God was Present in your life?

Would you be making different choices?

pete wilson's plan

If you haven't gotten your hands on a copy of Pete Wilson's book Plan B, head over amazon and find yourself a copy quickly. i mean really quickly. ok?

just do it... 

you'll see why... 

we'll talk later.. when i'm finished in a day or so. 

i just started tonight.

page 22 

Now, I would never wish this on you, 

but there will be a moment in your life 

when you feel like everything you have is starting to slip away. 

You will be tempted to run, but I pray instead you will persevere. 

Because no matter how things seem, God is still with you. 

And things will turn around, one way or another. 

Maybe not the way you planned. 

Maybe not the way you assumed God would handle it. 

Maybe not even the way you hope. 

But you will see God's hand at work - if not in your circumstances, 

then certainly in your heart.