she grit her teeth and loved me

My favorite holiday since my mother's passing is Easter. 

The words to the hymns make me cry big fat happy tears. 

Can't stop them. Don't want to. 

This year I was on a Delta plane  - gosh knows how high up in the sky -  as my family was at church. .. and I missed out on the celebration of Jesus's resurrection and my mom's everlasting life. She now sings in tune in the most angelic voice and not off key into her daughters' ears during church services where we would quietly giggle. 

We couldn't help it. 

No matter what age we were. 

Little girls or up until when this last photo was shot. 

This picture is from my mom's last Easter and man alive, does it make me so beyond happy. 

Smiling ear to ear. 

I can hear her when i look at it and she almost jumps off of the computer, hugging on me. 

the type of hug where she would always grit her teeth, almost to the point of breaking. 

I could hear her as she was loving me.

She couldn't contain it.

I'm basking in this photograph this spring.time. 

If I shut my eyes, I'm there. 

She's still here. in so many places. 

Four years later. 

 

this was today. hard.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

the birds bring her back

i've always been fascinated by flocks of birds. how they fly in sync: never colliding.
each one knowing the other's next move, without any audible communication.
it has amazed me for years.

every couple of months, the migrating black birds swarm about,
landing in my parents' front and backyard,
covering every last inch of flat ground in the nearest block.
you can't help but stop what you're doing and just watch.

the day my mom passed away these birds came to visit. they landed in the backyard several hours after she died.

since then my fascination with these creatures has become so much more meaningful.
beyond wonder now.
they bring my mom back, in a way i can't explain.

down from the heavens.

Joe Black, my parents and I

the movie Meet Joe Black has always held a special place in my heart. ..
And it has nothing to do with Brad Pitt. I can take or leave him. 
Honestly, I enjoyed Anthony Hopkins just as much as I did Mr. Pitt in this movie.


I will most likely get mocked for this post by my Sister and brother-in law, 
as I do for admitting my true admiration for the film. 
They doubt my taste in films. I'm OK with that.
When something tugs at my heart strings, I don't deny it. Almost to a fault.
But this_ like almost everything else in my life has taken on a new meaning.

This is the theme song.

The film has always made me think of my dad and i
: just like Billy Joel's Lullaby.
they both reflect something special, i can't even begin to put into words.

the movie has changed. 
now.. my mom has joined my dad, joe black and I.

yup, i said it. somewhat comical. 
if only, right?

I'm needing to watch it again.

Don't know if my body can handle any more tears.
I'm almost fresh out this week.
and it's only Tuesday.


maybe next week.

angels singing on repeat

for the last few years, i took pleasure in teasing my mom with this Christmas song. 

playing it again: and then again.  

maybe just ONE more time. 

Ohhhhh. she laughed and loved it. and then I'd put it on again.

Play it on repeat and smile with my mom.

She's one of those Angels singing.. . on tune now. 
[mom, you're smirking: i know you are]

.perfect pitch. 

the signs keep coming.. .

my mom continues to remind me.. .

an email from my sister today

my taste of heaven here