a wake. up call to a reality i can't handle

today i attended a wake.
when i walked in  _ my mind reverted to a month ago.
it's eerie how different funeral homes smell the same way.
and have the same set up.. the same mints .. . lights.. .

i lived it all over in my mind... .but this time it wasn't my mother.
i was there to support someone else.
i had to ignore the deep constant ache in my heart and love another at their time of need.
_so i had to snap out of it.
i did my best. hoping it was enough.

but once i got home .. . even now i can't seem to break the spell i fell into.
i have reverted back to watching her YouTube video and can't seem to imagine that tomorrow is work.

Work, where I have to finish off the school year.
Work with no immediate, upcoming break with my sister and her family in the near near future.
I can't bear it.
I don't want to do it.
I don't want to start a new year without my mom.
I can't.
i just can not.

I want her back.
her silliness.
her off tune singing.
her laughing
her patience
her jeans and t.shirts.
her endless, unconditional love
her CONSTANT phone calls.
and 'i love you' texts with all their misspellings.
i can't start 2011

i  was planning on embedding this video
but now it just seems well_ somewhat un-attached... . after this post.
i will anyway.
it's been here on Lilies before.
I think even twice.
but I guess i need to see it again.