.these Three

can never remember how i stumble upon these songs

but now they continue to repeat 

and repeat

who can resist Ingrid?

and this new to me. Miia 

.Repeat

heard through the walls of unit 48

this Hymn is beautiful
.all versions 
i'm currently a fan of this one Pandora uncovered for me. 


My favorite verse:
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be.
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Luckily, Optimum decided to slap DIY network back onto their channel lineup. 
It must have been my complaining to the customer hotline.
I've been watching back to back episodes of my favorite, Salvage Dawgs from the DVR. 
Check it out - it's worth some television binging. 

what kind of prayers are you praying Right now?

i stumbled upon both of these videos within two weeks of each other.
i Need to listen. 


these are powerful words. 
i suggest watching them through. 
[ignore any attempts at artisty close.ups and hear the words] 

{steven furtick}

{the circle maker}

the science of my sad heart

i started reading The Other Side of Sadness this past weekend.
honestly, i look forward to cracking its spine each night. 

In the chapters I've read, I learned a lot about different bereavement studies done over the years.
What they've taught society - how they have changed our ideas of "grieving": for the better and worse.
Bonanno's writing is captivating. easy to read. almost as if he's having a conversation with you.

Most important though, this book has helped me realize i'm not alone in my struggle. 

not that i ever thought other people haven't felt my pain. I'm not that silly. 

but to read about it and to hear it firsthand.

There's something comforting to know that people are standing where you stand and in some way are standing beside you. 

and from another angle.. . make it out to the other end. 

with a new perspective. 

You'll be holding my hand.

These last couple of months have been so very hard. 
more than that. 
and it surely will not end here. 
i'm way too old, and grown to believe that. 
naivety is a thing of the past. 
unfortunately, i know all too well, that bad things come around all too often 
and knock you off your feet. 
the last couple of years, that is exactly what has happened.


i don't know what the future holds.
i have absolutely no idea what is coming next. 
.where i will be in a year. 
.who i will meet or not meet in the coming months. 
what i will be doing in the next few years. 


as i drove home, i heard this song, 
one of my favorites: 
one that i've prayed before: 
and will continue to pray every time i hear it. 
eyes shut. 
.tears running down my face.
hands not positioned @ ten and two.
.almost slamming into the car in front of me. 
it's hard to keep both hands on the wheel when all the lyrics resonate with you. 
like an eavesdropped conversation between you and God. 




Don’t know where to begin, it’s like my world’s caving in
And I try but I can’t control my fear
Where do I go from here?


Sometimes it’s so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willing to go where You want me to
God, I trust You


There’s a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You
I will follow You


I will swim in the deep ‘cause You’ll be next to me
You’re in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You’ll never out of reach


God You know where I’ve been, You were there with me then
You were faithful before, You’ll be faithful again
I’m holding Your hand


God Your love is enough, You will pull me through
I’m holding onto You
God Your love is enough, I will follow You
I will follow You

i can't really explain it?

there's so much i want to say in response to this:
but i know i will not be able to formulate all of those thoughts in logical way.
i think this is one of those videos you need to watch for yourself. and mull over. let settle:

i've watched it so many times in the past.
and several times recently.

this is something that i struggle with still.
a bit. maybe more than a bit.
i will admit.
sometimes, i wonder why others are healed and not my mom who struggled for years and years.
she, who had So much faith.

but i know that so many people came to see Jesus through her in those struggles.
people who may never have met Him.
i'm not saying He caused anything.
maybe allowed_
but i know, and I've seen in many cases in my life that He is able to work good out of bad,
really, really bad.

and in most cases, I can't seem to understand why one thing happens over the other. I may never.

*hit stop button when video is complete 
- or channel will keep playing "Rattlesnake in a Cooler" video-

mom cell: prayers and love needed

#4) In an effort to spread awareness, share your (or someone you know/love) breast cancer story

i haven't ever told the whole story of my mom's sixteen .. . seventeen year battle with breast cancer. 
I've mentioned it here or there _ in one post or two.

There are very few people in my life who i will 'openly' speak to about this. and when i say 'openly' - i mean allowing myself to let it all go - turning into babbling brook of tears and snot by the end of the conversation. i usually request a change of topic because I can't bear to talk about it anymore.

: it's one of the spots in my heart that won't ever close up. that scar that won't heal. even if tonight she fully recovered.

I wasn't planning on writing about this when I saw Mama Kat's prompt.
actually I didn't want to write about it. 
My heart didn't want to write about it.

and then  _ about a half hour ago i just got phone call from my mom. She's back in the hospital again. Third.. fourth time in the last few months. She just started chemo again two weeks ago. and we're all hoping that it will shrink the new cancer that has grown after the radiation she had last year. but she still can't breathe. even with the constant oxygen at home.

I don't know exactly what to write. or what to say. I guess it's like when i talk about it.
it's just raw emotions. i wish i could fix everything and make her better. heal her. 
enable her to walk a flight of stairs without gasping for air. 
or blow out her birthday candles without being frustrated at her lack of air.

but i can't.
i
can't.
all i can do is be with her. 
love her.
and pray for her.

if you know her, please do the same. she needs double _ triple _ quadruple _ 
endless doses 
of all this.

it's Your Love that's keeping me.

:: : a simple prayer for every minute, hour, day of my life.






This weekend, had the chance to see Gungor live. If you haven't heard about them, do yourself a favor and check out their website.. . and then their music on iTunes.

Lead me.

mama!?!?!@?!?

before i started my first job of the summer, I spent a few days out with my sister and her family in Michigan.

her big family of six.
four little ones.
the biggest one, almost as tall as me.
the littlest one.. the fun age of two. I've seen all of them go through it.
With each of their different personalities ... the age of two has morphed them into unknown creatures.
obstinate, unyielding ones at that.


but my sister
.my very patient sister
who is an award winning mother
has raised them so very well. i watch her in awe.

it is not an exaggeration to say that the youngest, A. will walk around the house calling for her, "Maaaama!! Maama!" 
He must have said 'Mama' ten thousand times, in the five days I was there...

He asks incessant questions. even when he knows the answers.
he will not accept the slightest hiccup.
:: needing constant attention, affection and lovin' upon.

in the middle of the night last thursday, he entered allison's bedroom, five times,
'mama, can you put my tiger t.shirt on?'
[his detroit lion shirt]
the next four times it was various other shirts.

99.9 percent of the day my sister can handle this// / along with her other three children scampering around the house.
but at one point when i was there,  he was overwhelmingly out of control.
'Mama! Mama!'
if it wasn't this. it was that! this, that! THIS! that!??
but he wasn't getting her undivided attention, at the very moment he wanted it.
he wasn't getting what he wanted now.

so A. had some time outside with his brother on the patio.
Well this was not gonna do. he wailed. collapsing.

his brother immediately came over and cradled him. hugging him from behind.
wiping his hair from his face. Shhhh.. .it's ok, A.
over and over again. rubbing his back.

just like his mother did to him when he was little.
just like his mother still does to him.
just like his mother has taught him.

and in that moment, i saw 'the two year old' in myself.
how in moments when i'm confused,
or i don't get what i pray for right away, how i can act just like A. did.
even in moments of distress or trouble.

if we're lucky we have people in our lives, who know just how to comfort us,
just how to pray for us... that is until we reach age_ three.

Prayer Explained.

Evan Almighty is on television tonight.
There are a couple of scenes in both this film and also Bruce Almighty, where Morgan Freeman [who plays God] explains things just perfectly.

Let me ask you something:::

If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?

If you prayed for courage, does God give them courage? or does He give them opportunities to be courageous?"...

:: Continue in Him

“Can you remember a time this past week, when you felt close to God? Actually felt His presence?” I was asked this question a few days ago as part of a Bible study.

Throughout my crazy days, I do find hidden pockets of quiet and peace_ I, sometimes think, God just sends these little messages down from above, to say [like in yesterday’s post] Continue in me, I’m with you..

It’s the little things that stop me in my tracks. seriously, dead IN my tracks - in the middle of the sidewalk, or the side of the road. Things that others may overlook. Sometimes, I may get caught up in it, or as some people have told me, read too deeply into things. Sure, I do tend to do that at times. But how can you look at the nature that surrounds us each day and not see God’s reflection? That, I think, is overlooking the beauty of life itself.

Sometimes, signs and coincidences can be misleading though. A beautiful sunset does not a miraculous message from heaven make. Though wouldn’t it be easy, if that’s how it all worked? This week, I erred on the side of caution~

I have gotten in the car and found myself, hearing the same song, that reminds me of the same person.

So I prayed, prayed that if for some reason, God was laying him on my heart for a reason, that He would give him peace _and quiet his heart like only He could. That God would let him know, that He has a purpose for him, and will guide him as He always has in the past.

Once again, today, this morning AND afternoon, immediately after getting in the car, the same song. I’m thinking coincidental, right? The song’s just on the new 99.1 playlist. I then changed the station_ trying out the heathenness ways of Z100, to which I hear yet another reminder of this person.

Live Your Life [feat. Rihanna]...

OK, God, I get it. I sending out prayers left and right. Whether this individual needs prayer or not [who doesn't, right?], he's covered for the next month or so.

Has this ever happened to you?

my prayer

I'm here to meet with You
Come and meet with me
I'm here to find You
Reveal Yourself to me

As I wait, You make me strong
As I long, draw me to Your arms
As I stand and sing Your praise
You come, You come
And You fill this place
Won't You come
Won't You come and fill this place

Meet with Me. Lamont Hiebert

my fourth grade goals

I'm a list maker.
On any given day, if you look upon my desk at work, my dining room table or even Post-ited to my car dashboard, you will find a list of some sort.

.chores to be completed by the end of the day
.lyrics from songs
.appointments or meetings that need to scheduled, or remembered!
.things to toss in that red basket as I run in and out of CVS

Every September, I ask my students to create a brief list of goals for the year to come. What do they want to accomplish by June, and moreover_ how are they going to attain them?

It wasn't until this year that the thought occurred to me that I should be making my own list along with them. As educators, we are always told to be modeling the very behavior we are expecting of our students. So why not this _ right?
_ below is my list for the 09-10 year.

8 save money
8 write to my Bryan, my Compassion child
8 Read the Bible more
8 set my alarm earlier, get to work on time
8 be more patient with my mother, who I love endless amounts
8 make more friends
8 Show my students the unconditional love and tenderness that I have received from God
8 never stop praying.

Take My Life

My prayer tonight .. . "Please take from me my life, when I don't have the strength to give it away to you, Jesus."

Psalm 46:10 echoes in my mind_

Be Still and KNOW that I am God.