the mirror

this past summer was one of the hardest summers i've had to endure.
.for many reasons
one of them being my job

there were some mornings i woke up to find my fists clenched.
unsure if i had slept that way.
i had horribly sad dreams at least once a week.
and counted down the days until i could be back home at my school in September.

i see my dad every Sunday like clockwork.
we go out to lunch.
he would ask what was going on with everything.
and i would tell him.
as always he would give me advice
and then follow up with
Do you think there is something you are getting out of this job experience?

and i would respond with all sincerity
Every time.
I could not see it.

With everything that has happened in my life .. . and I've had my share.
with all of it.
I can usually reflect after some time and find purpose, meaning in it.
I've always been able to find the silver in the dark thunderclouds.
i think that is my mom's doing.
but THIS time. 
i really could not.

about two weeks before camp ended,
i started listening to CrossPoint services online.
one of my favorite pastors - out of Tennessee. 
I've followed him for years now.

I started making my way through all the series on YouTube.

That became my favorite part of the day.
the drive to work - the drive home

This sermon in particular I must have listened to five or six times.

A lot from this series speaks of Jesus and his disciples. 
So I started to read over Matthew, Mark, Mark, Luke again. 

After Jesus has fed five thousand, walked on water. ..
the disciples are still asking to have things explained to them.
You still don't trust me after all you've seen me do?
Matthew 15:16

It's comical to imagine Jesus saying that to someone. 
even as I read that I chuckled a bit.

But a giant mirror appeared before me.

Why don't I still get it? 
.. after everything He's led me through.
Why am I still doubting that He has it all worked out?
 Why am I still so dull? 

This was another repeat all summer. 

There's so much that she says that hits home. 
He was just very kind in saying, 
"Hey, I've done some bigger things than this before."

It's September now and camp is long over. 
Other problems that plagued me are gone and new ones I'm sure are on the horizon. 
But now I can say without a doubt that there was a reason for the job experience.

Don't think it had anything to do with teaching experience or art techniques. 

I needed to see my reflection.