naps suck. period.

just woke up from a much needed nap and seriously thought my mom was still here.
it was a least a minute before my brain fully processed, i couldn't simply call her.
let's just say the events that followed were not positive ones.
in the least.
melt.down status.

i'm ready for this bad dream to be over.
i'm done with it.

i miss her voice.
her laugh.

her love.
her hugs.
everything is empty without her.


a locked attic and a bath like Columbus

this remains my favorite show on television: well after the last season aired.
.Bad Mood Rising is the ultimate episode in all the collection.
unfortunately, this is only a short clip.

and.. .from a newer episode. hySTERical.


Forest Fires and Earlobes

I'm a fan of the game 'Would you Rather?'.
My dad introduced me to it at an early age with a question about earlobes and forest fires.
What? you ask.
Knowing my fear of all things related to blood and guts, my father liked posing this story and laughing at my answer.
It has become an ongoing family joke ever since.

Let's imagine you were in the forest .. and your ear was stapled to a tree...
[i know - when would this EVER happen? that's not the point of 'Would You Rather' games]
_and the forest was on fire.
All you had was a razor blade in your possession.
Would you cut your ear off or ... stay in the fire... and burn?

He never could understand my response and would laugh hysterically @ me.
I couldn't think of chopping off my ear.

Today at 3:15, I had a few lingering students who began giving me 'Would you Rather' scenarios.
This was the funniest one.

I won't tell you my answer til you tell me yours
Plug in your vote below.

Would you rather eat popcorn off the floor of a movie theater or a half eaten burger out of a McDonald's garbage can?
popcorn on floor of movie theater
burger out of McDonald's garbage can

pollcode.com free polls

would you know?


You'll be holding my hand.

These last couple of months have been so very hard. 
more than that. 
and it surely will not end here. 
i'm way too old, and grown to believe that. 
naivety is a thing of the past. 
unfortunately, i know all too well, that bad things come around all too often 
and knock you off your feet. 
the last couple of years, that is exactly what has happened.

i don't know what the future holds.
i have absolutely no idea what is coming next. 
.where i will be in a year. 
.who i will meet or not meet in the coming months. 
what i will be doing in the next few years. 

as i drove home, i heard this song, 
one of my favorites: 
one that i've prayed before: 
and will continue to pray every time i hear it. 
eyes shut. 
.tears running down my face.
hands not positioned @ ten and two.
.almost slamming into the car in front of me. 
it's hard to keep both hands on the wheel when all the lyrics resonate with you. 
like an eavesdropped conversation between you and God. 

Don’t know where to begin, it’s like my world’s caving in
And I try but I can’t control my fear
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it’s so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willing to go where You want me to
God, I trust You

There’s a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep ‘cause You’ll be next to me
You’re in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You’ll never out of reach

God You know where I’ve been, You were there with me then
You were faithful before, You’ll be faithful again
I’m holding Your hand

God Your love is enough, You will pull me through
I’m holding onto You
God Your love is enough, I will follow You
I will follow You

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i can't really explain it?

there's so much i want to say in response to this:
but i know i will not be able to formulate all of those thoughts in logical way.
i think this is one of those videos you need to watch for yourself. and mull over. let settle:

i've watched it so many times in the past.
and several times recently.

this is something that i struggle with still.
a bit. maybe more than a bit.
i will admit.
sometimes, i wonder why others are healed and not my mom who struggled for years and years.
she, who had So much faith.

but i know that so many people came to see Jesus through her in those struggles.
people who may never have met Him.
i'm not saying He caused anything.
maybe allowed_
but i know, and I've seen in many cases in my life that He is able to work good out of bad,
really, really bad.

and in most cases, I can't seem to understand why one thing happens over the other. I may never.

*hit stop button when video is complete 
- or channel will keep playing "Rattlesnake in a Cooler" video-


Click to Look Inside -> the Bookstore

i could spend my life at the bookstore.
cups of fancy coffee
.my laptop.
Delivery sandwiches in the aisles.
you need good food, of course?!

. ..Surrounded by Endless books.
: all at my fingertips
 i am continuously uncovering books that spark my interest 
and "basketing" them at my wishlist over on Amazon. Found this one tonight: a book of all lost and found grocery lists. 
This author stole my idea. You know how many times I have wondered about this very thing.. .. 

my imaginary bookshelves shoot to the sky. 
i don't have near enough time to read them all, unless, that is_  i actually lived at the bookstore.

i suggest you head on over and create your own wishlist. 
if not just to keep track of all your next "bookshelf reads". 


my angel

Pete Wilson Post.its

my computer screen is covered in tiny "stickies".
Apple can't officially call the tech version 'Post.its', but that's what they are... and they are post.ited 
all over my screen.

i have websites to remember to return to... not yet favorited
to do lists.
phone numbers
blog ideas swirling about.
and most frequently quotes that i've collected. 

this one in particular i have been re.reading.
and re.reading.
and.. .. 
by pastor, author, blogger 
and so it seems, the more I read of him.. .all around fun guy. Pete Wilson.

However, the one answer that does speak into every painful, difficult, relentless situation that we as individuals could ever face is this: 
God will never change. 
This is why our faith must rest on His identity and not necessarily His activity. 

     p. wilson

if you haven't.. .

seen it, 
rent Up.
you'll. Love. it.


skida mer rinky dinky dink

my neighbors just heard me cackling. 

jesus loves shopping carts

Cart - The Film from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

[forgive me, if you seen this video on here before - this is a Lilies repeat] Well worth it though.. . 

I've shown this to my students every year. 
[made my mom watch it endless times with me, as well]
We use it during Writing Workshop.
It will faithfully stir up deep conversations and comments.

and without fail every year, I tear up.
5:24 the music... .
as the man pulls the cart out of the dirt and grim.
hauling it out of the depths
feverishly cleaning it off
every last bit of darkness clinging to its handlebars
i can't help but envision Jesus here.
He's all I see

rescuing us from our despair.
from the corners of our dusty lives.
from our pain.

and as the cart rolls away after a loving and gentle pat:
the grafitti behind reads 'Is this Really Life?'

.. . smart work, Jesse.


diddy does book of eli

always have had a soft spot for diddy.
heard this tonight.
:words caught my attention.
.video reminded me of Book of Eli.

I'm coming home 
I'm coming home 
tell the world I'm coming home 
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday 
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes

is a house really a home when your loved ones is gone? .. .

*beware lil ears. 


though the earth give way

Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 46:1-5

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.


the essence

while doing some online research .. .. i stumbled upon a job offering @ Lamb's Chapel in Long Island.
not quite the geographic area I was originally looking.
: turns out the pastor is from Michigan.
More like the possible region i'm in search for.
but i did uncover this.

watch it.
more than once.


made me laugh

love him!
love the jams. 
i'll admit i watched this more than once. 
You wear these how often?.. . "I... .I took them off to come here."


how can i thank you?

this song.. .these lyrics ... are so hard @ this very moment.
but even at this darkest spot
where i want to kick and scream like a three year old for God allowing my mom to be taken away:

i can't imagine my life without Him.
without His presence.
without His love.
His mercy. forgiveness.
i think about people who don't know of His grace
.. .and I can't help but want to "tell it on the mountain", sharing with the whole world.
and for that i am grateful.

[try your best to ignore the old.school video - it's the only recording I could find]

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay
You are good, so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned
You are good, so good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved
And you are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands


Joe Black, my parents and I

the movie Meet Joe Black has always held a special place in my heart. ..
And it has nothing to do with Brad Pitt. I can take or leave him. 
Honestly, I enjoyed Anthony Hopkins just as much as I did Mr. Pitt in this movie.

I will most likely get mocked for this post by my Sister and brother-in law, 
as I do for admitting my true admiration for the film. 
They doubt my taste in films. I'm OK with that.
When something tugs at my heart strings, I don't deny it. Almost to a fault.
But this_ like almost everything else in my life has taken on a new meaning.

This is the theme song.

The film has always made me think of my dad and i
: just like Billy Joel's Lullaby.
they both reflect something special, i can't even begin to put into words.

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the movie has changed. 
now.. my mom has joined my dad, joe black and I.

yup, i said it. somewhat comical. 
if only, right?
I'm needing to watch it again.

Don't know if my body can handle any more tears.
I'm almost fresh out this week.
and it's only Tuesday.

maybe next week.


a wake. up call to a reality i can't handle

today i attended a wake.
when i walked in  _ my mind reverted to a month ago.
it's eerie how different funeral homes smell the same way.
and have the same set up.. the same mints .. . lights.. .

i lived it all over in my mind... .but this time it wasn't my mother.
i was there to support someone else.
i had to ignore the deep constant ache in my heart and love another at their time of need.
_so i had to snap out of it.
i did my best. hoping it was enough.

but once i got home .. . even now i can't seem to break the spell i fell into.
i have reverted back to watching her YouTube video and can't seem to imagine that tomorrow is work.

Work, where I have to finish off the school year.
Work with no immediate, upcoming break with my sister and her family in the near near future.
I can't bear it.
I don't want to do it.
I don't want to start a new year without my mom.
I can't.
i just can not.

I want her back.
her silliness.
her off tune singing.
her laughing
her patience
her jeans and t.shirts.
her endless, unconditional love
her CONSTANT phone calls.
and 'i love you' texts with all their misspellings.
i can't start 2011

i  was planning on embedding this video
but now it just seems well_ somewhat un-attached... . after this post.
i will anyway.
it's been here on Lilies before.
I think even twice.
but I guess i need to see it again.

this bouquet is for you:

these grew everywhere in our lawn when my sister and i were little.. . 
i remember picking and collecting them all about the front.
they remain my favorite to this day.