today i attended a wake.
when i walked in _ my mind reverted to a month ago.
it's eerie how different funeral homes smell the same way.
and have the same set up.. the same mints .. . lights.. .
i lived it all over in my mind... .but this time it wasn't my mother.
i was there to support someone else.
i had to ignore the deep constant ache in my heart and love another at their time of need.
_so i had to snap out of it.
i did my best. hoping it was enough.
but once i got home .. . even now i can't seem to break the spell i fell into.
i have reverted back to watching her YouTube video and can't seem to imagine that tomorrow is work.
Work, where I have to finish off the school year.
Work with no immediate, upcoming break with my sister and her family in the near near future.
I can't bear it.
I don't want to do it.
I don't want to start a new year without my mom.
i just can not.
I want her back.
her off tune singing.
her jeans and t.shirts.
her endless, unconditional love
her CONSTANT phone calls.
and 'i love you' texts with all their misspellings.
i can't start 2011
i was planning on embedding this video
but now it just seems well_ somewhat un-attached... . after this post.
i will anyway.
it's been here on Lilies before.
I think even twice.
but I guess i need to see it again.