five little monkeys and My Mom

i keep hitting repeat.
over.
and over
And Over.

i can't help but smile.

four years later

i wasn't even looking
but you were there.
.peering out at me
two wheels hanging over the edge of the matchcar stand in the middle of the CVS check.out line.

the pink cadillac.
Could you have been more obvious today?
you talked about that car so much.

your face isn't clear in my mind four years later.
that makes me sad.
my heart. hurts.

but it wasn't your face that made me feel so loved.
it was all the other parts.

the ones unseen.

when i try real hard and even in moments when i don't, you sneak up on me
.your presence right beside me.

even four years later.

she grit her teeth and loved me

My favorite holiday since my mother's passing is Easter. 

The words to the hymns make me cry big fat happy tears. 

Can't stop them. Don't want to. 

This year I was on a Delta plane  - gosh knows how high up in the sky -  as my family was at church. .. and I missed out on the celebration of Jesus's resurrection and my mom's everlasting life. She now sings in tune in the most angelic voice and not off key into her daughters' ears during church services where we would quietly giggle. 

We couldn't help it. 

No matter what age we were. 

Little girls or up until when this last photo was shot. 

This picture is from my mom's last Easter and man alive, does it make me so beyond happy. 

Smiling ear to ear. 

I can hear her when i look at it and she almost jumps off of the computer, hugging on me. 

the type of hug where she would always grit her teeth, almost to the point of breaking. 

I could hear her as she was loving me.

She couldn't contain it.

I'm basking in this photograph this spring.time. 

If I shut my eyes, I'm there. 

She's still here. in so many places. 

Four years later. 

 

her wings

today was one of those days when i thought .. . and honestly would have started walking toward the phone _

i want to call my mom. 

i had to tell her something. 

it actually lingered in my mind and heart as real, for at least five full seconds. 

Made my heart feel full again.

My mom used to talk about life and death to my niece, Samantha.. .and compare it to the life stages of butterfly.
The insect appears dead with its chrysalis and then comes to life as an incomparable winged beauty.
our grey earthly bodies radiantly transform _ shaking death forever and living eternally with Him.

Looking back, she knew what was going to happen, and she probably knew it was going to happen sooner than any of us wanted to consciously admit. So she was preparing one of the youngest, who in so many ways was a reflection of her. even sharing a birthday.

This year, my class had the opportunity to watch this process unfold in our classroom everyday. 

On the day that the first butterflies emerged.. . 

On the day when I needed her love, a message from her.. .

As usual, my mom who can't remain quiet for long.

did this.

the framed picture of my dad, her and i from my college graduation 
on the floor

right behind my teacher's desk
just sitting there waiting to be found.
she always did have to have the last word.

.i'm glad about that now

 

She would have smiled .Big

I have five or six drafted posts rolling around in my head.

Among the millions .. .thousands..  ok FINE .  hundreds of things I do during the day,
I find that I am "writing" while I'm driving or in the shower.
When it comes to actually publishing though, many times it never comes to fruition until weeks later. 

i need to get a handle on this somehow.

nonetheless, long story short. 

short story long ___
let me get to the point

"lessons from the day"
"happiness"
"day to day"

these are three tags that often come up for my posts. ..

today when I watched this video of my dad and i from a few weeks ago, i was thinking how my mom would definitely be tagging it similarly.
"things that made me smile"

my dad and i had an impromptu photo.shoot out in the front yard of all the flowers my mom had planted years and years ago.
my favorites of course, you will recognize from a few posts back.

the best part, of course, is my dad laughing.
these are the best moments, hearing him like that.

she is indeed smiling.
i can feel it.

Muscari.. . Say What?

i have very few clear memories of when i was a young girl.

it used to drive my mom bonkers.

I think she thought it reflected poorly on my childhood - instead of it being purely a demonstration of my unique 
and semi.talented brain. [smirk]

the things that i do remember bring back such warmth that I can't help but smile inside and out.

every year, when these sprout from the ground i feel my childhood all over again.

.albeit it so very short.

Yup .. . these beautiful flowers have that ugly name [muscari - who woulda thought?]

            [source]

Source: ameblo.jp via Lilies of Field on Pinterest

Source: cowparsley.blogspot.com via Lilies of Field on Pinterest

              [source]

mom's playlist

on the back pages of my bible, i wrote down all the things my mom told me the last few days she was alive. 
I can still hear her saying them to me as I read the words. 

today, I stumbled upon this while listening to my sister's Pandora playlist. 
basically, our shared account... .

my mom found her way there.

how could you possibly know? .. . you are never far from me. 
You will always be in me. 
you are never far from me. 

the u.turn

time doesn't make it easier. 
the pain that is in my heart is still as raw and physically real in the deepest moments of heartache as two years ago. 

i tried to go to my mom's grave today. 
i ended up having to do a u.turn in the middle of the street after a serious. meltdown. 
i know she's not at the gravesite.

i don't know what made me feel like i had to go.. . the fact that it has been two years. 
Two years since i have seen her. 
Touched her. Held her. 
Talked to her.

I know she would say I'm not there - I'm with Jesus. Don't make yourself upset. 

Time doesn't make it easier. 
My heart still aches. 
i know where she is. 
but i want to be next to her.

from today

still my song will sing Your praise unending

I have so much to write about.

So many things to share about the start of school.

So i'll start slow.

.with just one song.

be on the look out for new posts coming soon.

This song has been on repeat in my car.

i start the day off with it.

and end with it on my ride home.

.The LYRICS. help to direct me where i should be .focused.

i could listen to it for several more weeks.  

morning and evening 

Back to School Geese

this morning i woke up to my mom's beautiful face.
she was smiling So brightly.
so clearly.
so healthy.. .
like i haven't seen in almost two years.

today was also the first day of school.
the first day with the kids.
and not my fourth graders.
my little itty bitty second grade love bugs.
remember this post
well, that is what it was about.

and i've been going into this school year wishing and wanting to sit on the den couch with the tv on in the background and just gabber and chatter with my mom about this.

but i've had to push that all down though, cause if i think too long on it.. then i just get way too sad.
honestly, i still can't deal with it.

so i'd rather focus on her beautiful face that woke me up this morning
or think about the giant flock of geese that flew super low and directly overhead as i walked up my stoop with Tess at 6:45 am.  

[source]

or this song that just so happens to come on as on typing away.

happy ... then really, really sad tears.

i know it's You, God.
but i can't help but think that my mom is behind it somehow.

we will open our eyes Wider

today was one of those days when i came home and had the strongest urge to pick up the phone
and call my mom. ..

just to have a simple, every day check in. how are you.
i love you. i need you. i wanna hear your voice phone call.

lets just say_i had to keep moving when my brain once again realized i couldn't do that.
it is like that still to this day.

of course, when i opened up You.Tube today this appeared.
gave me .goosebumps when i heard the .lyrics.

dear mom.

i know you already know
but.
i miss you .SO .much.


i know how happy you are right now.
and i know how much pain you were in here.
but when i think about where you are this very second, my heart hurts a little less.




i love you.
i love you.
i LOVE you.
xoxo
xo




Music Playlist at MixPod.com

memories waiting to be remembered

i had a very vivid memory of my mother a few days ago.
one i would of never recalled in conversation.

it simply had to be.

i was sitting on the edge of my bed brushing my hair and instead of yanking it all from the bottom
_ i held it at the edge of my head and brushed to the ends gently.

The knots all came smoothly out without a pain.

It was the strangest feeling.
I had in .THAT .very .moment become my mother in the simplest, silliest way.
i didn't even realize what i had done. ..twenty years later, the last time she brushed my hair like that.

I remember the days when she used to do that regularly.
I used to moan and groan_ and she used to tell my sister
and I the silly things her mother would say when she brushed her hair as a little girl.
"I'll show you what really hurts!"
We couldn't believe how our grandmother would tease her
.. . and we were jealous we never had the opportunity to ever meet her.

i'm a lucky girl to have such special memories of my mom. but it makes me So. sad to know that my future children are never going to know their grandmother. maybe one day, i'll be able to show them how she taught me how to brush my hair just so right.

one year

.the back of my mom's memorial card reads one of her favorite verses.
these words being some of the hardest to truly understand this past year.


And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8.28

lucy

I Love Lucy used to make my mom laugh so hard.
I think we have probably have seen every episode.
This has to be in the top ten.

this was today. hard.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

a new season of firsts

there are moments that are hard.
really hard.
where it feels as if a ton weight sits upon my heart.
and try as i may to tear it off, it sits motionless.
there are whole days that are beyond tough. and then sometimes weeks.

i find now as we enter a whole new season, i'm feeling a larger sense of loss once more.
everything is bright and new again.
everyone is coming out of the dark, cold winter.
but my life. is missing the biggest piece i've ever known.

i don't have that special someone to deliver those daffodils to
.. . whose face will light up when she sees the bunch wrapped around in twine.
or someone to sit on the back porch with beside the overgrown forsythia bushes.

all of the annual events seem somewhat .. . tainted with sadness.
and the "firsts without my mom" are painful.
i know she wouldn't want it that way. ever. if even for a single moment.
and i try my hardest to avoid this grey overcast look upon life.

i'm blessed to have my family and within each of them, i believe, she still resides.
when we're all together. it's strange, but her presence is so much stronger.
my sister explained it best. we all have a piece of her and when we're together, the pieces feel so much more like a whole.

it's better that way. and it makes these "firsts" and the ones to come a bit easier.

the birds bring her back

i've always been fascinated by flocks of birds. how they fly in sync: never colliding.
each one knowing the other's next move, without any audible communication.
it has amazed me for years.

every couple of months, the migrating black birds swarm about,
landing in my parents' front and backyard,
covering every last inch of flat ground in the nearest block.
you can't help but stop what you're doing and just watch.

the day my mom passed away these birds came to visit. they landed in the backyard several hours after she died.

since then my fascination with these creatures has become so much more meaningful.
beyond wonder now.
they bring my mom back, in a way i can't explain.

down from the heavens.

warm washcloths and a puddle of tears

when i was a little girl, my mom used to bring warm washcloths to my bed to wash my face.

she was the one who i could call at any hour of any day.. . with happy news, or sad. 

the person who reassured me that no matter what everything would be ok. 

that she loved me more than i could imagine. 

that she was behind me in everything and never ever would leave.

it's beyond sad how things have ended. 

sitting here in a puddle of my sad tears, i have to remind myself of her words and her love. 

she is no longer here,
but those will remain with me. forever. 

'now it all seems light. years away'

it's because of my mom i love him. 
she is the reason when i hear his music, i feel as if i'm ten again.
good ole.. [but newly renovated]
Barry Manilow.


i know. 
I hear you chuckling. 
.see you elbowing your neighbor at the public library where you keep tabs on my blog. 
keep your comments to yourself... or..  at least the comment box below.


no one can compare. 

there will be others who try, but he is different.

my favorites as a little girl had to be 
.Mandy
..Daybreak
and this one which was repeated quite frequently:  
Can't Smile without You
i can just see my  mom dancing around. 





You came along just like a song.. .. brightened my day.. . 




Who can deny those lyrics? 
They certainly make me smile now.. 


[whole track @ amazon - HERE]