memories waiting to be remembered

i had a very vivid memory of my mother a few days ago.
one i would of never recalled in conversation.

it simply had to be.

i was sitting on the edge of my bed brushing my hair and instead of yanking it all from the bottom
_ i held it at the edge of my head and brushed to the ends gently.

The knots all came smoothly out without a pain.

It was the strangest feeling.
I had in .THAT .very .moment become my mother in the simplest, silliest way.
i didn't even realize what i had done. ..twenty years later, the last time she brushed my hair like that.

I remember the days when she used to do that regularly.
I used to moan and groan_ and she used to tell my sister
and I the silly things her mother would say when she brushed her hair as a little girl.
"I'll show you what really hurts!"
We couldn't believe how our grandmother would tease her
.. . and we were jealous we never had the opportunity to ever meet her.

i'm a lucky girl to have such special memories of my mom. but it makes me So. sad to know that my future children are never going to know their grandmother. maybe one day, i'll be able to show them how she taught me how to brush my hair just so right.

be Present

haven't posted in for.Ever.

.so i'll start back with a short one.

i stumbled upon this graphic tonight

while reading another blog I regularly follow

Melissa's: Dear Baby

{purchase here}

The image reminded me of the post 

: slow your breath down

from September 2010
making the goal to :Be Present. in all things.

probably a purposeful reminder

cause there is really no such thing as a coincidence.

.right.. . ?

Writing Workshop Theology

I found myself today during Writing Workshop asking questions that seemed more theological than anything else.

Some of my students were struggling with expanding their characters, after an in.depth lesson on internal and external character traits.

: even with use of a photo [and some funny stories] of this little guy
_ my nephew Aidan, whom they quickly fell in love with.
[also the little love nugget in the Lilies header]

Some questions followed after the lesson.."I don't know what else to write about my character. I don't know what he would do in this situation?  and my response...

"Isn't it the Creator of the character, who knows him/her the best one to figure it out?"

I, then had to step it down a notch, [teaching in a public school] before I spoke any further.
Aren't your parents .. .the ones who made you - the people who know your in.s and out.s best?
The way you act? Your TRUE motivations behind your behavior? whether it be sneaky or for the good of others? 


The lesson ended. And as a whole, the group had a concrete understanding of today's objective. Job done. But it is in moments like that when I feel as if a hand is reaching down from heaven or whispering in my ear. Messages just for me.



I found as I asked that first question a bold peace came over me _ Isn't it the Creator of all _ the Creator of little ole me who knows me the best. BEsT of anyone. the best of my family. the best of my very small group of friends. He knows my heart. He can see right into my core. my dirty, dusty corners and love me just the same.

It's funny how a simple writing task can bring me right back to where my mind should always be. thinking about my Maker.
How he knows all there is to know about me.
AND my story_
and where it's taking me next.

slow your breath down

Every year when my students return, I ask them to create a goal for the year.


Last September, I decided to join in the journey with them and created
a list of things 
I hoped to accomplish for
the 2009-2010 year.


When school started back up a week ago, I had a phrase rolling around my mind. 
I've been in the same mindset I was at the end of the year... . 
and beginning school in  September was not the easiest.


I kept thinking .. . in all areas.. 

i need to BE PRESENT.

_when i am with my students. my friends. my parents.
my mind needs to be there.
instead of thinking about the past, or the FUTURE, focusing on the NOW.


forgetting my worries for the next five years. 
not being careless  .. but. . 
enjoying the PRESENT.
LOVING the PRESENT.
or at least.. being THANKFUL for the PRESENT. 


I spent the last few weeks void of facebook, twitter, Blogger. 
These are PRESENT zappers. wasters. Killers.. . 
and to honest _ it was quite refreshing.
I may not have been entirely PRESENT every moment though...  . 
This is a 2010- 2011 goal. and it takes A LOT of practice. 




FUTURE OF FORESTRY LYRICS _ CLICK HERE

I'll give you more than years

Your burdens couldn't win or lose a thing

If you leave

I'll still be close to you. 

I'll take you back a thousand times again

I'll take you as my own.

I would sing you songs of innocence.

Til the rays of gold and honey

cover you.

should be sleeping.

but i'm not..
instead i found this..
made me smile.. and laugh...
it isn't even near valentine's _ but if you have one, maybe put the laptop on full volume
and give him or her a little swing around the room to kina's tune.
there'll be more smiles coming your way.

"which one do YOU like?"

It happened on a motorcycle, 

I went on a date with Shane, 

who my college roommate, Becky, 

had called ‘dibs’ on the first day of class…

But it didn’t count… if she had a boyfriend??? ? riGHt??? ?

He was the football player type _ the tan, cute .. .Buff guy in the corner.

I had my eye on another _ the quiet reserved one who was studying to be a pastor.

Turns out the football motorcyler, Shane, asked me out weeks later.

One ride on his motorcyle and I knew he wasn’t for me.

avoided him @ Wilbur’s Cafe next time I ran into him.

Wwhaatt was I thinking? .. .

I quite enjoyed the ride.

on repeat. for the First Time.

you know that moment when you've heard a song a million times.. . 
but finally hear it for the FIRST time.. hits you like a ton of bricks.


it feels like everyone i've talked to lately has been having it rough.
and i'm just one among many.


no one seems to just be floating down Easy creek.
it's white water rafting for many.


i pray_ i try my very hardest to give it all over _ to surrender.
but sometimes the waves seem to capsize my tiny boat.


i'm reminded of last year's post _ on the water


Brooke Fraser's Shadowfeet was clear to me today. i needed to hear these words.


There's distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay ---- -
when time and space are through, i'll be found in You.
--- -- -STILL STANDING.




2 Corinthians 4:8-11


We are hard pressed on every side, but NOT crushed; perplexed, but NOT in despair;persecuted, but NOT abandoned; struck down, but NOT destroyed.We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

livesey kennels.

it's amazing how a simple song.
a simple four minute combination of notes can send memories flooding back
.. . rushing .. until they overpower you.

even. if it the first time you've heard the song.
it's the strangest thing to me.

now, in the future, Always : embraced by the One

on monday afternoon, i gave myself a five minute time.out.
the students were reading. i needed the pause button.
so i headed over to this Bible.Memory Verse site i love// / on my laptop at the back of my classroom.
i think i clicked on the first set.
don't remember.
but i found this.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."
Matthew 5:4


lately
i'm feeling'
old.er
and
in need of
a change
a major change
i hate to even use the phrase
.mid.life crisis
i'm not even there yet ..  but almost.. 32  _ single.  . . it's sometimes. painful.
and to be honest.
i feel there are many other pathways i would like to try out.
creative paths.ways.

i'm feeling stuck.
and i don't like that feeling.

I've had this discussion with several people recently about how
i would love to just pick up and just Go.
let God lead the way.
He's led me this far and I know He knows the next step better than I.
the future doesn't seem scary with Him.
i'm excited about change.

a lovely dummy

the last few weeks of school have not been easy. a lot has been happening in the school district and the fact that it is nearing june is not helpful in any way, shape or form. the kids can feel it in the air. even the most polite child has a new sass in their step. 

without fail though, even on the worst day, there will always be a glimpse or glimmer of hope. 

the scene below was from monday.  

all from a young man, i brought to the office twice that day

you should have seen the concoction he created with a folder, pencils and pens. 

looked like a medieval torture device. 

at the end of the day,

i sat at the group work table with him_ 

often times the only place he will work. 

this is what he comes out with // /

"I wonder why they say:
you know things 'BY HEART' instead of know things 'by mind'?
Cause you know things with your mind."  
He paused for a while, reflecting. 
"I wonder a lot of things like that." 


it's in moments like that_ that i love my job. luckily, they appear quite frequently. i just sit back and smile, snapping away with my imaginary camera. . and jotting down what silly or thoughtful things they say. 


Think about it though. 
I  have.  
I've spent the last few days tossing this idea back and forth around in my mind. 
And all the things I've known with MY HEART, are the ones that i've experienced the most extremes emotions with. 
the MOST love, or the most heartache. i felt the most loss over. the songs i know BY HEART are the ones, that usually make me laugh or cry... they are the ones that touch the inner core of my HEART. sometimes i misread things or people, sometimes i've misunderstood situations, but i don't think i would take back anything, ever. 


The things i know with my mind. obviously are worth knowing, 
but if i only had one choice. 
to know either love and pain with my heart.. .
or 
know hard cold facts with my mind. 


only could have one? 


i think i would rather be a dummy with love. 
fer sur. 


maybe i'm thinking too long and hard about this all. 
maybe not. 

what would you do if.?

several times this past couple of weeks, i have heard or read this message _ what would you attempt, if you knew that you could not fail? stumbled upon through a clothing site.. . 


or as Pete Wilson said in one of his sermons, "WHAT would you do IN your life - in your marriage, in your finances_  IF YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT that GOD WAS PRESENT?" 

some days this is much easier than others. 
some days it feels as if everyone's life is moving on around me, and i am sitting on that dirty old bench by the bus stop. 

some days. 


my life, i live on a moment by moment basis. 
but recently, i've been feeling as if i'm on the precipice of something. 
i don't know what. 
in fact, i have not a clue.
i've been trying my best [... my best, often times not being good enough] to lay it in His hands. Just asking that when the time comes, that i somehow Know.
that i feel it.
whatever it may be.
'That this is the road He wants me to take. Whether it be a job, a new place, a relationship.'

Today, during a staff meeting, something was announced. And it was in that moment, in my heart, that I felt that tug. that tug on my heart that I knew was from Him.
I don't know what is going to happen.
I don't know what it all means.
I'm looking into all the details of this news.

But the questions remains still, and echoes at least in my mind _ What would you do in your life? .. . if you knew you couldn't fail? .. if you were absolutely confident that God was Present in your life?

Would you be making different choices?

sunday 100.3

it's about that time again. "sunday one hundred"
close to halfway::


79. Jayden's heart

78. dancing in the car

77. finding something lost
[on the the most superficial level: your keys
and the deepest level _ your heart]

76. Colbie Caillat - Capri

75. This is my sister, Allison. She's 'my person'. [visit her blog] The Last Bite. She's more than a cook.


74. The story.telling of Billy Joel's Scenes from an Italian Restaurant 


73.  .... and Don McLean's American Pie


72.  Everything I Ate: A Year in the Life of My Mouth by Tucker Shaw
This book is currently housed at my sister's house, which is a very good thing. I very likely would get nothing done if I owned it. 
Intriguing. 
There's a definite reason it's out of stock at amazon.


71. watching clouds change shape: related post coming soon.


70. in the summer, when my freckles appear. they make a grand entrance, all at once. 
not one here or there. 
freckles: jackson pollock style


see ya'll, next sunday.. for the next installment _100.4

climbing flowers

these pots are waiting 

:waiting to be filled.

with something beautiful

         something colorful

         something fragrant

so they can be adorned with the blessings of life.

raindrops to puddles

a while ago.
back when i had my license, before my seizure.. .
i remember driving to work one cloudy morning_it started to drizzle. a tiny droplet here .. . a drop there.. eventually the windshield covered in sparkly "moon quarters".  each droplet finding its way to its friend_ an inch away until they rolled quickly down the front of my car.

in that moment, i thought about how in our lives, many times the 'raindrops' so easily can turn into massive puddles. puddles that seem so hard to get out of.. and to get dry from. we linger in their dampness even hours after the rainstorm. they are so very hard to shake off _

in an effort to find a 'dry spot' recently i went searching through my YouTube favorites. strange spot to go hunting, you would think. but not so much. i found what i looking for.

3:12. it's like that yellow rain slicker i need in life.  Can there be anything more assuring than that?..  even on a day when my mascara is running down my cheeks?


.. . i am His.  
and He is mine.

saturday

can this be my day today?

that's it.

that's all.

it's the small things.

i came home today to find two things on my stoop

::::: both of which i adore.

1: inside my mailbox slot was this.. Can you identify? My favorite store.. my favorite catalog. There are times when I receive it, i set it aside for another day.. purely just to delay the gratification. i have it waiting there for me, calling my name.

Click here: [this is what makes my heart race and my mind flutter with creativity.]

2:: I actually gasped when I saw this.. Remember now, those of us in New Jersey had two feet of snow Saturday. Look who's been hiding there all along.. .. It's a good thing I have a flash, I was scared I wouldn't be able to capture these little guys. Sooo very excited!!!?!?!?

The snow can't help but

wanna get in on the shot too.

Look at the bottom left corner.

happiness all about my room

is it silly that these

little rainbow patches

scattered across my room make me so very happy?

i think not.

the porch

Can't get the thought of those wrap around porches out of my head. You know the ones_where the whole front of the house opens its arms to you as you pass by. All I want to do is sit and rock back and forth in a rocking chair all afternoon and into the night, listening as the crickets begin their song.

Monday nights are my riding lessons at Lord Stirling in Basking Ridge. Every time I leave the stable, I can't help but just bask in the beauty of the experience. Everything about that one hour I wish to capture in a glass jar and hold onto forever and ever. Every sound and sight, yes and even, smell _ perfect.

Not only is there something about being so connected and close to such an animal. But there is something I can't put words to _ feeling their response to you, as the rider and companion as you walk them to and from the stable. It is all there in their eyes.

Tonight_ I was captivated. There is truly no other word for it.

The leaves are just about changing color and the autumn smell was filling the crisp cool air. A flock of geese called out, forming their prominent shape before heading up and out into the distance. The moon which is nearly full on this very night, rose above the treeline, filling the sky with its light. Several horses off in the distance were put out for the night, making a meal of the grass beneath them. Church bells sang a familiar hymn from a block away and the dim yellow lights from homes beyond peeked through the trees. All serenaded by the calming hum of the crickets. The moths surrendered to the lights and fluttered about. My horse and I following the directions of my instructor. I could go around and around that circle endlessly.

I don't want to leave. I want to live there. In that moment.. .With my wrap around porch.