the mirror

this past summer was one of the hardest summers i've had to endure.

.for many reasons

one of them being my job

there were some mornings i woke up to find my fists clenched.

unsure if i had slept that way.

i had horribly sad dreams at least once a week.

and counted down the days until i could be back home at my school in September.

i see my dad every Sunday like clockwork.

we go out to lunch.

he would ask what was going on with everything.

and i would tell him.

as always he would give me advice

and then follow up with

Do you think there is something you are getting out of this job experience?

and i would respond with all sincerity
No. 
Every time.

I could not see it.

With everything that has happened in my life .. . and I've had my share.

with all of it.

I can usually reflect after some time and find purpose, meaning in it.

I've always been able to find the silver in the dark thunderclouds.

i think that is my mom's doing.

but THIS time. 

i really could not.

about two weeks before camp ended,

i started listening to CrossPoint services online.

one of my favorite pastors - out of Tennessee. 

I've followed him for years now.

I started making my way through all the series on YouTube.

That became my favorite part of the day.

the drive to work - the drive home

This sermon in particular I must have listened to five or six times.

A lot from this series speaks of Jesus and his disciples. 

So I started to read over Matthew, Mark, Mark, Luke again. 

After Jesus has fed five thousand, walked on water. ..

the disciples are still asking to have things explained to them.

You still don't trust me after all you've seen me do?

"ARE YOU STILL SO DULL?"

Matthew 15:16

It's comical to imagine Jesus saying that to someone. 

even as I read that I chuckled a bit.

But a giant mirror appeared before me.

Why don't I still get it? 

.. after everything He's led me through.
Why am I still doubting that He has it all worked out?

 Why am I still so dull? 

This was another repeat all summer. 

There's so much that she says that hits home. 

He was just very kind in saying, 

"Hey, I've done some bigger things than this before."

It's September now and camp is long over. 

Other problems that plagued me are gone and new ones I'm sure are on the horizon. 

But now I can say without a doubt that there was a reason for the job experience.

Don't think it had anything to do with teaching experience or art techniques. 

I needed to see my reflection. 

not my will but .Yours be done

hebrews 11:39 - 12:3 

These were all commended for their faith, 

yet none of them received what had been promised, 

since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us 

would they be made perfect. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, 

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. 

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and the perfecter of faith. 

For the joy set before him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

who You are

This song came across Pandora early this morning. 
I had to stop what I was doing.. . even if the scrambled eggs were overcooked  _ and turn the volume up. 

Isaiah 40:26

It's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful 
full lyrics

chris tomlin makes me cry

the next two weeks are going to eat me alive.. .

.i can feel it coming already

going to need some hard.core prayer. 
certainly not going to be able to do it alone.


i've posted this before
and listened to it twenty .. thirty.. . maybe forty times counting the views on my phone.
every single time, it makes me cry. 
something in chris tomlin's account of the writing of the song and the 2 Kings passage. 
it all just turns me to a weepy, can't catch my breath. mess. 

maybe this week is not the best to listen to this one. 

today's repeat

two things i found and loved today

Number One

Yes.. . i am a lover of all things Downton Abbey. 

{like I am sure many of you}

especially Violet, the Dowager Countess of Grantham

played by Maggie Smith

[source]

Number Two

this Caedmon's Call cd was all i listened to for a time in college. 

My CD player stumbled upon it today. 

Quite purposefully as things happen.

how ironic that my blog title circles around the same theme as some of the lyrics

[cause if the birds and the flowers survive, then i'll make it ok] 

This song Table for Two. and this line is of my favorites.

"that i've forgot what House I live in"

1:55

because i know .that You love me

I was standing at my refrigerator staring at these two things. 

The second received most of my attention, much to the chagrin of my dog, Tess. 

Look at those sad eyes. 

My important [i knew that the day of]
left.over. scribbled. saved.notes. were
left intact on the door staring back at me. 

.DWELL. 

PSALM 91:14-16

then back up to the top one....  

"faithful in prayer"

i quickly found my purse for my bible, turning to the outlined verses. 

.noticing it already marked. 

[14]"BECAUSE HE LOVES ME," SAYS THE LORD, 

"I WILL RESCUE HIM;

I WILL PROTECT HIM, FOR HE ACKNOWLEDGES MY NAME. 

[15] HE WILL CALL UPON ME, AND I WILL ANSWER HIM; 

I WILL BE WITH HIM IN TROUBLE. I WILL DELIVER HIM AND HONOR HIM. 
[16] WITH LONG LIFE I WILL SATISFY HIM AND SHOW HIM MY SALVATION."

[9] IF YOU MAKE THE MOST HIGH YOUR DWELLING _ EVEN THE LORD, 
WHO IS MY REFUGE _ [10] THEN NO HARM WILL BEFALL YOU, NO DISASTER WILL COME NEAR YOUR TENT. 
[11] FOR HE WILL COMMAND HIS ANGELS CONCERNING YOU TO GUARD YOU IN ALL YOUR WAYS.

one year

.the back of my mom's memorial card reads one of her favorite verses.
these words being some of the hardest to truly understand this past year.


And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8.28

.. .as Jesus did

I remember years ago when I read Crazy Love.

It blew me away. 

I read it and gave copies away to so many people: gifted it to friends and family. 

It's a book like no other.

My actual copy is dog.eared and written in so much so that no one else could ever really get through it. 

I truly devoured each page. 

God allowed that book to help open my eyes .. . and heart in new ways.

I'm beginning Francis Chan's Forgotten God this weekend.

Truly looking forward to it. 

Somehow every time I listen to him talk, or read his work... . my brain synapses into new territory.

1 John 5.6
   
   But if anyone obeys His word, love for God is truly made complete in them. 
This is how we know we are in Him:Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.

though the earth give way

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Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
_____________________________
Psalm 46:1-5

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

re.made

guess you really did it this time_
left yourself in your warpath?
lost your balance on a tight rope?
lost your mind trying to get it back?
wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
always a bigger bed to crawl into
wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
and everyone believed in you? 
... .
who you are is not where you've been.. ..
who you are is not what you did. 
today is never too late to be brand new. 


wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days?
when everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you 
... .before the Monsters caught up to you. 

:We've been RE.made:

You are more than the choices that you've made. 

Your are more than the sum of your past mistakes. 

You are MORE than the problems you create. You've been REMADE. 

YOU"VE BEEN REMADE.

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.20 We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: 
Be reconciled to God.

:2 Corinthians:

Don't Stop. believing.

1 Peter 3-9

3 What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for,4 including a future in heaven—and the future starts now!5 God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.6 I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime.7 Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.8 You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don’t see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing.9 Because you kept on believing, you’ll get what you’re looking forward to: total salvation.

an empty sound transformed into a love song

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.2 If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.3 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.


1 Corinthians 13:1-3
.The Message

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now, in the future, Always : embraced by the One

on monday afternoon, i gave myself a five minute time.out.
the students were reading. i needed the pause button.
so i headed over to this Bible.Memory Verse site i love// / on my laptop at the back of my classroom.
i think i clicked on the first set.
don't remember.
but i found this.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."
Matthew 5:4


lately
i'm feeling'
old.er
and
in need of
a change
a major change
i hate to even use the phrase
.mid.life crisis
i'm not even there yet ..  but almost.. 32  _ single.  . . it's sometimes. painful.
and to be honest.
i feel there are many other pathways i would like to try out.
creative paths.ways.

i'm feeling stuck.
and i don't like that feeling.

I've had this discussion with several people recently about how
i would love to just pick up and just Go.
let God lead the way.
He's led me this far and I know He knows the next step better than I.
the future doesn't seem scary with Him.
i'm excited about change.

laying down your life

i had already started a new post and in doing so, searched 'jesus crucifixion'. Up came the youtube video from the passion. which i will link you to. HERE.

watch it. i could not stop crying.

i cannot even find the right words to express my thoughts right now.

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

How can we even begin to show our gratitude for this?

Even the word gratitude seems so minute.

'Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind.'

Romans 12.1-2

sister recommended

a while ago my sister linked me to 365devotional online.

i have it bookmarked on my computer_ it's simple. starts with a prayer, a reading, application.. and the whole time, music [which you could keep on all day] peacefully serenading your quiet time.

Today it happened to have one of my favorite passages in Mark with Jesus and the disciples. _ the fig tree. Go on, check it out. you can thank my sister later.

miseries to melodies

someone special this past week reminded me of amy grant_ talking about her popular song, Thy Word. one of her best.

then today as i was driving home, i heard her voice on the radio, singing a new song.

[written by Sarah Hart]

We pour out our miseries, God just hears melodies.. .

'better than a hallelujah.'

yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!

Isaiah 30.18

the Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; he hears their cry and saves them.

Psalm 145: 18.19

at Your feet

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generation, for ever and ever!

ephesians 3.20-21

you never said it would be easy :: you only said i'd never go alone.

Needing to meditate on these words from Mark 11 tonight:

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

tonight on repeat.

Your Hands

. JJ Heller .

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_let her lyrics be a comfort to us all_

' when my world is shaking,

heaven stands

when my heart is breaking,

i never leave Your hands'

Psalm 62.1- 2

My soul finds rest in God alone;

my salvation comes from Him.

He alone is my rock and salvation;

He is my fortress,

I will never be shaken.